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Michelle: "I know. I just feel like, I just feel like whenever we get close, you have to - go somewhere and ... I think we should spend more time together, maybe that's the problem…. You could work yourself 24 hours a day if you, if you let yourself. I mean my goodness what am I suppose to do just put, put my feelings inside."-from the March 8th show
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I managed to survive breakfast. I wanted to make the experience as painless as possible and I was able to eat without an incident. Luckily for me, Carmen chose to engross herself in the newspaper, so I didn’t have to worry about her. I quickly excused myself and went in search for Olga, one of the maids. She was the one person that I liked to talk to, and she doted on me.
I loved to listen to her stories about her family, and she would ask about Rick, and Dad, and Mom. I would often hide in the kitchen during the days, and would have lunch with Maria, the cook. It was the one place that Carmen would never set foot in. With Danny gone so much, it was my only escape from boredom. In the last two months, Danny and I have been drifting farther and farther apart, and being in that kitchen listening to stories about Danny growing up, I felt close to him.
Maria was the only person who knew about my fight with Danny. About a month after Danny started to dive back into the business, we had a big fight. The next morning, I was able to think with a clear head, and I was planning on apologize to Danny until he snapped at me. I ran in tears to an understanding Maria, and told her about what had happened. And now, I feel closer to Maria than I do with Danny. As I listened to Maria talk about Danny, it was obvious that she loves Danny like her own son. She seems to think that Danny will come around, and that we have a chance to have a happy marriage. I wish that I shared that feeling, but I don’t. The more Danny stays away, the more the gap will widen between us.
I nervously shift in my chair as a plan starts to formulate in my mind. I have decided to tell Danny that I want to go back to school full time. I am not sure how he will take it, but I am determined to get what I want. Going back to school, in some ways, is my weak attempt to regain some normalcy in my life. Ever since I met the Santos family, my life has been turned upside down, and everything that I had planned, has gone up in smoke. And I want to go back to school because I am not sure how long I can take being in this house alone. I need to have contact with other people, and I was not going to find that here. You need to do this, I tell myself. I am so engrossed in my thoughts that I don’t even notice the bedroom door open, and see Danny walk in. I nearly fall off the bed when I hear his voice.
“Hello Michelle.”
I stare at him stupidly like he is a mirage. “Danny. I didn’t expect you.” My mind is racing and my heart is racing a mile a minute. I have no idea what to say to him.
“I was going to call, but I decided not to. I need to take a shower and nap. Then I have to go out for a dinner meeting.”
I can barely contain the fury in my voice, “WHAT? I just getting home now, and then you are going back out. I can’t believe this. I could not sleep last night because I was worried that something might have happen, and you don’t give a damn. FINE, then go out, but don’t expect me to toss and turn at night worried about you.”
Danny moves closer to me, his eyes blazing. I notice for the first time, the ragged look on his face, the tired lines that have become part of his face. “Yes, Michelle, I am going back out. And you know that I will not tell you what I am doing, so don’t even ask. And you don’t have to worry about me. I can take care of myself. Don’t worry yourself. I know that I am not the one that keeps you up at night. It is Jesse, it will always be about Jesse.”
Fury overtakes all my fibers of my body. The bitter and grating tone of his voice rips through my heart like a knife. How dare he talk to me like that? I’m about to respond with a stinging comment of my own when Danny saunters into the bathroom.
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"I know we started off wrong, but we can make this right, I know we can make this work. I want you. I want you, so much."
The scolding hot water feels good on my body. Maybe it can erase those few minutes with Michelle. We had another fight. I should not be surprised since I have not been home for the last two days. Michelle has every right to be mad but I can’t keep defending myself to her. How many times are we going to have the same fight? I knew this might happen, but I was hoping, that Michelle and I would be able to be civil to each other. I wince as I remember what I said to her. I was so angry with her that I just wanted to hurt her back. And I did. “And you don’t have to worry about me. I can take care of myself. Don’t worry yourself. I know that I am not the one that keeps you up at night. It is Jesse, it will always be about Jesse.”
As soon as that came out of my mouth, I regretted saying it. I didn’t mean to say it, but I could not push any that jealously that is always lurking in the corner of my heart. I can’t let myself believe that she actually cared for me, because if I do, then I am afraid that I will be setting myself up for a fall. When I close my eyes under the steaming hot water, all I can see is the hurt look in Michelle’s eyes when I said that. The hurt and disappointment in her eyes broke my heart. She was worried about me, and I threw it in her face. I need to apologize to her. For the first time in the last couple of months, we were able to share a close moment until I ruined it.
As I turn off the water, I decide that it is time for Michelle and I to talk. Things were really starting to detoriate, and I wanted to try to fix it before it was too late. I was letting Mama win. I was letting her anger towards Michelle be my excuse to stay away. I wanted my marriage to work. I wanted to make Michelle happy, and recently, all I was doing was making Michelle angry. I love Michelle. She might not love me, but it didn’t seem to matter to me until the last couple of months. I know that Michelle cares about me. I just need to believe in that. Hurriedly, I get dressed. When I walk back into the bedroom, Michelle is gone. Damn
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